TARIFF MANTARIFF MAN
WASHINGTON — In a move being called "bigly" by sources close to the source, the man known only as TARIFF MAN descended upon the capital today to sign what witnesses described as "a very beautiful piece of paper, probably the most beautiful paper anyone has ever seen, the paper is tremendous."
The paper, upon closer inspection, was reportedly a tariff. "It was a very YUGE tariff," one aide noted, speaking on condition that we capitalize the word YUGE.
Observers say the effect was immediate. Foreign leaders are said to be "calling up constantly" and "all of them saying Sir, sir, please — please do not tariff us, sir, we love you," according to TARIFF MAN himself, who added that "many are saying" he is "the best president of all time — maybe of all time."
Economists were unavailable for comment due to a chronic condition known as "fake news" which has reportedly stricken more than 99% of the economics profession. The remaining 1% were eating at Mar-a-Lago.
Wall Street responded enthusiastically, by which we mean the markets went up, down, up, down, and sideways at approximately the same time. This is understood to be normal.
The tariff, we are told, will remain in effect until it works or until it doesn't, whichever happens first. It is going to be tremendous. Believe me.